We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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