how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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