K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
