the condom got lost in my hair
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
did i just pee glitter
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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