you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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