I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
