I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
