A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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