I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
