I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize