i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
