I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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