you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize