Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize