Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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