omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
