Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Couch. On fire.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
