I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
