You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
