The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize