the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
