Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
