They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
