I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize