So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Randomize
