you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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