he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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