Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize