We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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