Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
