Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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