i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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