hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
