we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
