So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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