He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
