It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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