I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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