i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
