meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
