you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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