You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize