I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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