Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
