mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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