i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
