Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize