Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
