I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
