You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
