How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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