tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
