we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
