I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
