Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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