Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
