I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dicks are not precious.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
