Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
