I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
