I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
