He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
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