i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
