Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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