I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
