my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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