I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize