mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
