I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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